Find Your Self: Adult-Self Attachment

My ReSelfing story begins where many stories begin, with heartbreak.

I was walking down the street in London, buses blasting by me, people bumping into me, cycles swerving me, all non-existent to me – because I was on the phone with my husband, having yet another long, emotional, desperate conversation about our relationship and how deeply unfulfilled and unhappy I was. It was the kind of conversation that doesn't resolve anything, the kind that loops. Where you say the same things in different ways, hoping this time they will land, hoping this time you will be heard, hoping this time something will finally change.

"Why didn't you return my text?" "Why haven't I heard from you" "You know I am hurting, but you don't seem bothered" "I feel like you're not listening to me." "I feel like you don't care."

Because this was not the first conversation of its kind. This was the thousandth conversation over a five year period of time. In every different way and manner: tone of voice, crying, begging, pleading, screaming, silence. I tried them all.

But nothing changed. He hung up the phone on me and something inside of me broke. Utterly and completely. On that sidewalk – I ruptured.

I stopped walking and leaned against a wall for support, feeling the weight of it all land in my body at once. I slowly slid down into a puddle on the pavement, crying. Not quietly or composed, but fully, visibly, uncontrollably. It was the kind of crying that comes from somewhere much stronger than the moment you are in, the kind that carries years with it. It comes from deep inside your body, roaring out of the mouth as a wail forming the word NO. A guttural moan, stemming from a body literally weeping from pain and emotional agony.

People walked past me, around me, over me. No one stopped, and I didn't ask them to.

Because somewhere inside, I already knew. This wasn't about him. This wasn't even about the relationship. This was about me, and something was very, very wrong.

While busy asking "What is wrong with you!!?" – I was really asking "What is wrong with me?"